“We do not receive wisdom, we must discover it for ourselves, after a journey through the wilderness which no one else can make for us, which no one can spare us, for our wisdom is the point of view from which we come at last to regard the world. The lives that you admire, the attitudes that seem noble to you, have not been shaped by a paterfamilias or a schoolmaster, they have sprung from very different beginnings, having been influenced by evil or commonplace that prevailed round them. They represent a struggle and a victory.”


This song is an attempt to honestly face the gap between who I am and who I want to be; between the way the world spins and the way it should be.

I’ve heard that we only use a small part of our brain. Maybe our soul is the same way. And maybe we’re half asleep most of our lives, simply reacting to the stimulus our brain receives. Action, true action is rare indeed.

– Jon Foreman

I wait for my “ship” to come in.
Always have my entire adult life so far.
A lot of my own slice of personal strife over the years has been due to waiting for my ship to come into harbor. I’ve never really known what I wanted to do with my life. But as an idealist, I figured that there would eventually be a Eureka! moment, a clear realization of something I would like to dedicate myself, my LIFE to. I mean, everyone else in college seemed to have one. So, where was mine?
As an idealist, I’ve always thought that my vision of a happy future would only be realized after I have a great idea about what I want to do, which would get me there.
I think I’ve decided it’s not going to strike. Not ever.
At least, not as who I am right now.
It may strike with…… new experiences and new maturity ahead of me, but I don’t have those yet. And if I keep waiting, a lesser path will unfold…
It may be obvious to most, but I’m starting to learn that going ^up^ is what matters. Self improvement. Something better than what you are now? Do that, become that. 
The indoctrination of the singular rigid path of success – “choose a career as a kid with basically no life experience, have that career for 40 years, retire. But no pressure, kid…” 
Ignore that, it’s not the only way, it’s not right for everyone, and its implied permanence of life choice can mess with your brain and DID and DOES mess with mine.
Accept a path as a start, embracing it for being better than your current one, even if it isn’t doesn’t “feel” like your ideal one. 
I’ve always been someone who felt like, when they make the right choice or have the right idea, they feel it in their guts and bones. They KNOW it’s right. This nickname I gave my Pokemon? Perfect. Yup, that’s the one and it’s brilliant. More problematic, I know when it’s not the right one.
That’s why it’s been so hard for me to learn that it’s okay to choose a life that’s not that feeling. A life that seems decent, and not the *right* one.
Because what you get when you don’t pick any of those paths is a path less fulfilling than any of them. A cruel irony of caring too much, but caring isn’t enough — indecision is a crime as well. Idealism is a crime. This isn’t an ideal world, so hyper-idealism shouldn’t be at the helm.
My ship’s not coming in. It’s time to build my own. And that janky looking plank will do just fine as a start.
My stagnation was born and persists from three of my perceptions of making life choices: fear of commitment, illusion of permanence, and idealism. They all were made in good intentions, and have their places when called for. But it’s time to start.